Divorce and Children

Few things in the life of a family are as traumatic as when it alters through divorce. Each individual involved is often confused, angry, feeling betrayed and uncertain about what comes next.

Making the transition even more difficult, there will be many practical changes that affect both parents and children. Living arrangements will alter, incomes may well change and there will often now be only one adult to take on both work and home responsibilities. Dealing with those common and real-life issues is doubly difficult when emotions are running high.

Though seldom is the process painless, there are many things that can ease the transition for children.

Parents engaged in divorce proceedings will understandably be angry with one another. Pretending it isn't so isn't helpful to them or to their children. But anger can be present, and honestly expressed, without controlling every action.

It should be made clear, in age-appropriate terms, that the anger isn't caused by nor directed at the children. Nor should the anger one spouse feels for another be allowed to spill over into using children as bargaining chips or instruments of revenge.

Disagreements will arise over money, housing, child custody and support, and a host of other thorny issues. These should all be handled with children out of earshot whenever possible. Depending on the age of the children involved, it can be helpful to ask them what they would like to see happen. Most will just wish the divorce wasn't happening. But children can be realistic, too.

Allowing children to express their feelings and wishes, even when those wishes can't or shouldn't be fulfilled, will give them a sense of being understood. To the extent possible, children also need some sense of control over their environment. Allowing them to arrange things as they like in new circumstances is one small way this need can be met.

It's essential that parents make clear that the divorce is the result of unresolvable issues between the parents, and has nothing to do with any actions of the child. It's equally important that they be helped to understand that no change of behavior they make can reverse the decision.

After new living arrangements are made and custody issues (at least temporarily) settled, parents need to ensure that children have everything they need at both locations. A valued object at each house can help them feel more at home no matter where they are.

It's also important that children be allowed to express disappointment, anger and other 'negative' feelings without reproach or denial. Seldom are such feelings permanent in children. But it isn't helpful to tell them, however expressed, that 'You don't really mean that'. Typically, at least for that moment, they do indeed feel that way.

If the divorce, for at least a while, results in single parenthood, there are new challenges to be met. But those circumstances can offer new opportunities, as well. The absence of negatives - loud arguments, angry silences, etc - can in itself be an immediate benefit to the child. Rules and guidance can be established without the sometimes bitter debates that parents nearing divorce engage in.

Many children go through parental divorce, increasingly so since the 1970s. Studies show that, if the adults do their best to meet the difficulties maturely and with the child's best interests in mind, children do not necessarily suffer long-term negative consequences.

And, for nearly all parents, that surely is among their highest goals.