Does Your Toddler Rule the House?

If your home also has a resident toddler, aged 2-4 years, you may wonder how you found yourself enslaved to a person one-third your size.  If you are lucky, the ‘terrible twos and beyond’ phase only consists of mischievous curiosity, and a few incidents of stubborn refusal to do what you’ve asked.  If you are less fortunate, you may find your life and your home disrupted by temper tantrums, hitting, biting, and bedtime hysteria.

There is no one explanation for a toddler’s sudden spate of bad behavior, and you child is not the same as any other child.  However, all toddlers do have one thing in common! 

As they come into their own and test the limits of their newfound independence, you may find that your once placid little angel is now a whirling dervish of misbehavior and tantrums. 

Perhaps the child is trying to figure out how far he can go before you say ‘no’.  Or, she may be jealous of a sibling or the attention you pay to other things.  Whatever the reason your child is ‘acting out’; you must take care not to reinforce the misbehavior by giving him the attention he craves.  This is not to say that you should ignore your child. 

Giving POSITIVE attention and affection at the right time is critical, if you want your child to build confidence, self-esteem and trust in you and in the world.  However, if you want to break the strangle hold your toddler has on your family, you have to avoid giving this attention when the child is misbehaving. 

Paying attention to her tantrum will only show her that this is the way to get what she wants and your attention will reinforce her behavior. 

If you are having problems with your toddler, there are some discipline techniques you can use to make your life easier and to more easily communicate the boundaries to your child.  You don’t have to resort to screaming or spanking. 

Before we look at these tips, there is one important distinction to make:  It is important to distinguish between the CHILD and the BEHAVIOR.   You can let your child know that you don’t like his BEHAVIOR, but take care not to disapprove of HIM.

Do not raise your voice or hit your child to get them to obey you.  Keep an even tone.  You may use a stern or firm tone of voice, but remain calm while you are talking.  Remember, you are TEACHING them how to react when they are angry or upset.  You don’t want to reinforce this behavior by displaying your own temper tantrum.

IF you are in danger of losing control, stop the discussion and walk away before you do any physical harm.

Give your child the guidelines and instructions upfront.  Don’t wait until she breaks the rules to explain the rules.  For example, if you walk into a house with unprotected stairs, tell her you do not want her to go up the stairs alone. 

Use plain, clear language.  Remember, a toddler is capable of understanding complex concepts, but you don’t want to use words they don’t understand or explain your requirements as a ‘throw-away’.  Go to the child’s level by kneeling or picking them up, and slowly and carefully explain what you want them to do.

If your child takes awhile to calm down after they get upset, use a ‘time-out’.  Have them sit in a chair in the kitchen or living room.  Don’t send them to their room as punishment, unless there is no other choice.  You don’t want them to see their room as a bad place to be, and you would like to observe them as they simmer, so you know they are not breaking things or misbehaving further. 

Remember that a child’s attention span is not that long, so don’t make the time-out unreasonable.  Five minutes is OK.  If the child is under 3, you should only use 2-3 minutes as a time-out.  All you want to do is break the cycle and give them time to think.

When the toddler interrupts or misbehaves, you can stop what you are doing briefly and remind them how to ask – by saying ‘excuse me’ – or how to share a toy.  Don’t make a big deal out of the instruction.  Just say it and move on!  You don’t want to embarrass the child but you DO want them to understand the behavior is wrong WHILE IT IS HAPPENING.

Some toddlers never have a temper tantrum.  Some children have tantrums starting around age two.  These typically occur when the child is hungry or tired.  If your child has a tantrum, do NOT reinforce the behavior by attempting to hold them or giving in to the tantrum. 

If you can’t get their attention, you should firmly and loudly announce a time-out and place them in a chair or other location.  If the child throws himself on the floor or returns to the original location, you must make a conscious choice to ignore his behavior until he stops.  When he stops, approach your child and talk to them about why the tantrum is not the right way to handle things.  Stay calm and praise the child for controlling his temper when he does NOT throw a tantrum but instead takes calm action. If you are in public and you must restrain your child, take the child outside, to a car or another location, and sit with them while they calm down, but do NOT feed into the tantrum by ceding control.  Of course, you should NEVER leave your toddler alone in a public place.

One of the best ways to encourage good behavior is to praise your child when they DO share, or when they DO go to bed as you requested, or when they DO finish their meal.  Positive reinforcement can go a long way toward breaking bad behavioral patterns.